Are you Broken?
I'm broken too
invisible cuts right down to my soul
always open and seeping
filling my once bright life with darkness
and despair.
What is happiness?
I sure don't know anymore
we haven't been together at all this year
ask me about heartache and I could tell you every detail
though.
Time feels wasted
waiting
for time to heal everything but the wounds just keep seeping
with pain
with doubt with hate.
Life is a terrible joke sometimes
and I find it so hard to laugh
Sometimes I can wear a mask and no one even notices
I am withering away a little more each day.
All I am is hatred of myself
stuck in a never ending downward spiral.
This is not my life,
how can it be?
Some days I just wish I still lived unaware
blissfully fooled into believing the lie
You are amazing
you are confident
you are loved
You are safe in your position
in your life
But a lie unknown is still just a lie.
And lies always come to the surface
and destroy.
The lie destroyed all the good that was left in me
all the confidence
all the security
And I am nothing now but a shell
Continuing to exist in pain
inside myself there is nothing of light and joy left
We are held together by a new life
A daughter
and it should be a happy thing
But It is a fearful thing
a terrifying thing
because it will only destroy me more
My body will continue to be sick
fat and unlovable.
I don't know who I will be after the baby comes
or what my mind and body will throw at me next
The fear that I am only still here because she is occupying my body
is a very real fear to me.
I miss when I didn't fear anything
When I smiled and meant it!
When I was so secure in our love that it left no room for doubt.
I know I cannot go back
I can only go forward
Through the hurt and pain and doubt and fear
just hoping there is a light at the end of this scary dark tunnel that has been this year
2015.
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