This is me saying..you don't have the power any more to lurk in my thoughts and fill me with self doubt and hatred. I take away the power you had to hurt me. I was giving you so much power over my whole life and that is stopping NOW!
You hurt me but you didn't break me! Even when I was beating down on myself using you as my excuse I was no were near to broken. I almost allowed myself to fall into nothing because I didn't want to face the hurt and hatred any more. I almost shut myself away and stopped living again. I had such a great happiness before you happened and I will have it back! It is my decisions now that have been holding me a prisoner of hate and doubt and pain. I will be a prisoner no more!
After today, after this moment , after this post I will not allow you into my thoughts any more. I will discard the hurt you left on my heart and my husband will heal it with his choice to be with me! We both choose each other and you will no longer take up any time in our life together or apart. You will not even be a ghost that follows us through our lifetime because I will not allow it!He will not allow it.
Your jealousy for what others have may someday bite you in the ass and times may find you betrayed and hurt and lost and I am sure those times you will think of what you did and remember how you ,believed in a lie and how he chose me when it mattered. In my last moment of your existence to me, I wish with all my heart that you will reap what you have sown and while I will never know if it happens I hope the pain is too much for you to bear. And I do hope you learn and become a better person.
Now my next breath and I release her from our lives. I banish her to her fate. I shall live and be happy..So freaking happy! Thank you to everyone who helped me through with your kind words and even your own heartbreak stories <3 I am so grateful to have wonderful friends and family! xoxoxo
Monday 30 March 2015
Sunday 8 March 2015
Confidence shines
My first shoot of 2015 was amazing!
To understand I will take you back to the last shoot of 2014....I was feeling so low. My thyroid was completely out of whack and I felt like I was stuck being an angry person all the time. I had no confidence to speak of and it showed in that shoot (at least to me it did). I couldn't sit still I was almost crying the whole time my makeup was getting done..my hair was having an "I refuse to work for you " day. I felt awkward in my skin shaky and dizzy and I could not for the life of me figure out how I should be posing. Everything in my life seemed to be falling apart.
Because my photographer, Amanda, amazing she still managed to get some decent shots but even she noticed how off I was. I finally went to my doctor and told her I just couldn't continue on with the crazy ups and downs that my thyroid seemed to be throwing at me every month..It was like being on a roller coaster for ten years and nothing we were doing was helping control the problem. She seemed to finally hear me and we decided to change me to 2 different alternating doses of synthroid. This seems to be working well now! I began to feel like a person. a healthy and happy one... I found myself telling people how amazing I felt. It was the first time in 10 years that I felt hope for my future. Hope that I wasn't really the awful person I seemed to be because of all of my symptoms. I had truly began to think I was really just those symptoms and that I had nothing to offer anyone.
I almost lost my husband. I knew that I was making him miserable and I couldn't control myself at all. Basically my thyroid problem almost destroyed everything good in my life including myself!!
So now you understand how low I was and we can move on to the happy!! So everyday I felt better and after a month I felt like gold! I booked another shoot with chick to chic photography. Right away during Amanda doing my makeup she mentioned the complete change in me . No more watering eyes , no more anger and sickness. My hair worked perfect for me that day and I decided to step out of my usual comfort zone.
I had a pair of pasties sitting around and decided I wanted to wear them at this shoot! I felt comfortable in my skin. I had my confidence back!! I felt so very beautiful that day. And when I saw the results I couldn't get over the differences in me. I radiated confidence and self love.I swear I was almost glowing with my own joy!
Since then I found out some things that have destroyed that confidence again for me. I found out how truly close I came to loosing my husband. the love of my life.And now I am working hard to grasp those amazing feelings again but so far I am failing at it!
I truly believe confidence is not something you just get and then its yours to keep and you never have to work at it again. It is a constant struggle. It is a choice you have to make to block out the bad thoughts that you are slowly killing yourself with and choose to focus on the good. So don't feel bad when you have a bad day just stop the thoughts in your head and choose to try to see the good. And if that should fail try to fake it till you make it! just saying I feel confident today even when you don't can help...after a few days telling yourself that you may just find it to be true!
When I see these pictures though I remember that amazing feeling and how I am willing to work hard to get them back! I am going to choose to love me today! You do the same!!!
Note: My boobs are big! of course they are not always super perky :)
Credits : https://www.facebook.com/UrbanChicMUA
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chick-To-Chic-Alluring-Photography/177266219084671
To understand I will take you back to the last shoot of 2014....I was feeling so low. My thyroid was completely out of whack and I felt like I was stuck being an angry person all the time. I had no confidence to speak of and it showed in that shoot (at least to me it did). I couldn't sit still I was almost crying the whole time my makeup was getting done..my hair was having an "I refuse to work for you " day. I felt awkward in my skin shaky and dizzy and I could not for the life of me figure out how I should be posing. Everything in my life seemed to be falling apart.
Because my photographer, Amanda, amazing she still managed to get some decent shots but even she noticed how off I was. I finally went to my doctor and told her I just couldn't continue on with the crazy ups and downs that my thyroid seemed to be throwing at me every month..It was like being on a roller coaster for ten years and nothing we were doing was helping control the problem. She seemed to finally hear me and we decided to change me to 2 different alternating doses of synthroid. This seems to be working well now! I began to feel like a person. a healthy and happy one... I found myself telling people how amazing I felt. It was the first time in 10 years that I felt hope for my future. Hope that I wasn't really the awful person I seemed to be because of all of my symptoms. I had truly began to think I was really just those symptoms and that I had nothing to offer anyone.
I almost lost my husband. I knew that I was making him miserable and I couldn't control myself at all. Basically my thyroid problem almost destroyed everything good in my life including myself!!
So now you understand how low I was and we can move on to the happy!! So everyday I felt better and after a month I felt like gold! I booked another shoot with chick to chic photography. Right away during Amanda doing my makeup she mentioned the complete change in me . No more watering eyes , no more anger and sickness. My hair worked perfect for me that day and I decided to step out of my usual comfort zone.
I had a pair of pasties sitting around and decided I wanted to wear them at this shoot! I felt comfortable in my skin. I had my confidence back!! I felt so very beautiful that day. And when I saw the results I couldn't get over the differences in me. I radiated confidence and self love.I swear I was almost glowing with my own joy!
Since then I found out some things that have destroyed that confidence again for me. I found out how truly close I came to loosing my husband. the love of my life.And now I am working hard to grasp those amazing feelings again but so far I am failing at it!
I truly believe confidence is not something you just get and then its yours to keep and you never have to work at it again. It is a constant struggle. It is a choice you have to make to block out the bad thoughts that you are slowly killing yourself with and choose to focus on the good. So don't feel bad when you have a bad day just stop the thoughts in your head and choose to try to see the good. And if that should fail try to fake it till you make it! just saying I feel confident today even when you don't can help...after a few days telling yourself that you may just find it to be true!
When I see these pictures though I remember that amazing feeling and how I am willing to work hard to get them back! I am going to choose to love me today! You do the same!!!
Note: My boobs are big! of course they are not always super perky :)
Credits : https://www.facebook.com/UrbanChicMUA
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