2015 - Hard lessons and learning to move on.

As we come into 2016 all I can think is thank god that this year is behind me!

       While not everything this year had been completely horrible a huge portion of it was!But lets start with some of the good things that happened this year.
     
       The best thing that happened this year was finally getting to go to Disneyland!!! It was so amazing and fun! I still cannot get over how clean it is there. It was also the first time I had ever been out of Canada. The trip was amazing and I will cherish it forever. My favorite ride was California screaming but seriously all the rides were so fun! And the food is all so amazing. My favorites were the corn dogs and the kebabs. If I ever get to go again though I will try to go when the main attractions like splash mountain are not closed for maintenance!

        I did go on a few other small trips this year that were great. In may me and my husband did a road trip to Vancouver so he could see swollen members concert. We camped out in our new car and had a great time just being together. We also went to Edmonton to spend time with my family. More great camping in the car nights and lots of fun was had! It was so hard to go home though I just wanted to stay and be with my mom. It is hard to be so far from her and in a perfect world we would all live in the same town at least!

        Then in June we found out I was pregnant. This should have been a very happy thing but it was not what we wanted and I struggled with it. The struggle was so bad I wasn't sure I would be able to go through it. My thyroid problems made me worried that my body wouldn't be able to handle a pregnancy and my marriage was really rocky throughout the whole year so I wasn't sure bringing a baby into a failing family would be a good option. In the end I decided to keep the baby and now I am 9 weeks away from giving birth to a beautiful baby girl! I am still full of fears but I find myself more on the excited side then I did for the first 5 months of my pregnancy.

       The worst thing that happened to me this year by far happened January 22nd when I found out my husband had been having an affair since November 2014 with someone who I thought was a friend and was pretty much family. Most of this took place online as he works in camp but it did also get physical. I had never been more crushed in my whole life. I trusted him completely and when I found out I lost all my self confidence that I spent years building up. I still don't have it back almost a year later. It affected every single moment of my whole year. Doubt and hurt and self hate has filled me almost every second of every day this year.

     We got a brand new car as soon as my husband got back from camp because I could not possibly be expected to sit in the car he slept around with her in, and that really affected our financial situation. Money is much tighter then it was when our car payments were half of what they are now which of course adds a bit of stress to an already stressful situation.

    I am just now beginning to gain back a small amount of trust for my husband but I still cannot find the love for myself that I used to have. I still spend so much time wondering what he is doing when he is away in camp and that alone is enough to drive one mad!

    I still love my husband. And I understand that when he was looking somewhere else it was because I was not giving him what he needed. My thyroid problems made me pretty terrible to live with and I got so used to taking things out on him that I can see how it all began. I also know, after a year of fighting through the doubts that I am still not to blame for his actions and also that he didn't do what he did to hurt me but more to get what he needed which I believe was someone to tell him how great he was and to make him feel good about himself. It was not about the sex because during all that our sex life was still great.

    I look forward to putting this terrible year behind me. We both work hard to have a better relationship and to have a complete family for our children to grow up in and I know that if he ever decided not to be with me that he will tell me straight up and not ever put me through all the secretive bullshit!

    My hopes for 2016 are that  we live a life of honesty, trust and love. That I have a healthy baby girl and that I get my own health under control. That we learn and grow together and that we are all happy. I want to get back into doing my photo shoots and regain my self confidence. I will leave the hurt the best I can in 2015 and move forward trying my best everyday to not dwell on the pain and to stop doubting. I know I may not always succeed but I also know I will do my very best.

    If your year had been hard too I hope you can find some peace and move on to better things in 2016!

2015 The brutal truth!

Are you Broken?
I'm broken too
invisible cuts right down to my soul
always open and seeping
filling my once bright life with darkness
and despair.
What is happiness?
I sure don't know anymore
we haven't been together at all this year
ask me about heartache and I could tell you every detail
though.
Time feels wasted
waiting
for time to heal everything but the wounds just keep seeping
with pain
with doubt with hate.
Life is a terrible joke sometimes
and I find it so hard to laugh
Sometimes I can wear a mask and no one even notices
I am withering away a little more each day.
All I am is hatred of myself
stuck in a never ending downward spiral.
This is not my life,
how can it be?
Some days I just wish I still lived unaware
blissfully fooled into believing the lie
You are amazing
you are confident
you are loved
You are safe in your position
in your life
But a lie unknown is still just a lie.
And lies always come to the surface
and destroy.
The lie destroyed all the good that was left in me
all the confidence
all the security
And I am nothing now but a shell
Continuing  to exist in pain
inside myself there is nothing of light and joy left
We are held together by a new life
A daughter
and it should be a happy thing
But It is a fearful thing
a terrifying thing
because it will only destroy me more
My body will continue to be sick
fat and unlovable.
I don't know who I will be after the baby comes
or what my mind and body will throw at me next
The fear that I am only still here because she is occupying my body
is a very real fear to me.
I miss when I didn't fear anything
When I smiled and meant it!
When I was so secure in our love that it left no room for doubt.
I know I cannot go back
I can only go forward
Through the  hurt and pain and doubt and fear
just hoping there is a light at the end of this scary dark tunnel that has been this year
2015.

Random thoughts about tummies and life going on.

I don't know about other woman and girls out there in the world but for me personally I have tummy obsession.
Suck it in,
Smooth it out,
What exercises will get rid of this fat?
I look great from the front but can they see my belly from the side?


      These questions and thoughts go through my head everyday. Every single day! I am so careful how I dress and always dress to hide that  most disturbing part of me. I occasionally crave to wear a nice pair of jeans but never have found any that hide it enough for me to buy them. I stay away from 2 piece bathing suits still..I do love my nice tummy hiding one piece though. My tummy is truly the thing I like least about myself. I got that fat from being pregnant and eating all wrong during and after. I had a C section and that made recovery after birth hard. I am a total wimp and I did not bounce back well.
      But before all this happened when I was a teenager and I was a slim size 3 I never once thought about my stomach. I never poked it and thought how gross it was or had to dress around that one part of me. I was just me and I never even considered my body just being young and having fun. I miss those times when my body image wasn't even a thought in my head.
 Before internet and selfies.
      Before confidence was something I had to gain and work for back when it was something I just had naturally without thought or effort.
       have a photo-shoot coming , the first of the year and I am struggling right now to grasp at my confidence and gather enough to make beautiful photos and to feel more confident from having done it but I am scared to death that recent events in my life have truly robbed me of all my self worth and confidence.
      I am struggling but I am not giving up! I will continue to fight to feel happy in my skin and to share with others in hopes my struggles will help them and my successes will encourage them to succeed and to love themselves even through horrible times.
     I realize this has kind of ended up a random collection of thoughts instead of the one thought it began with. I feel I learn from sharing and re reading my own writing about my problems. this gives me a fresh perspective and an easy view of how to begin choosing happiness once again!

Waiting for my rainbow.

Letting go....

    This is me saying..you don't have the power any more to lurk in my thoughts and fill me with self doubt and hatred. I take away the power you had to hurt me. I was giving you so much power over my whole life and that is stopping  NOW!
    You hurt me but you didn't break me! Even when I was beating down on myself using you as my excuse I was no were near to broken. I almost allowed myself to fall into nothing because I didn't want to face the hurt and hatred any more. I almost shut myself away and stopped living again. I had such a great happiness before you happened and I will have it back! It is my decisions now that have been holding me a prisoner of hate and doubt and pain. I will be a prisoner no more!
   After today, after this moment , after this post I will not allow you into my thoughts any more. I will discard the hurt you left on my heart and my husband will heal it with his choice to be with me! We both choose each other and you will no longer take up any time in our life together or apart. You will not even be a ghost that follows us through our lifetime because I will not allow it!He will not allow it.
     Your jealousy for what others have may someday bite you in the ass and times may find you betrayed and hurt and lost and I am sure those times you will think of what you did and remember how you ,believed in a lie and how he chose me when it mattered. In my last moment of your existence to me, I wish with all my heart that you will reap what you have sown and while I will never know if it happens I hope the pain is too much for you to bear. And I do hope you learn and become a better person.
 
     Now my next breath and I release her from our lives. I banish her to her fate. I shall live and be happy..So freaking happy! Thank you to everyone who helped me through with your kind words and even your own heartbreak stories <3 I am so grateful to have wonderful friends and family! xoxoxo

Confidence shines

My first shoot of 2015 was amazing!

     To understand I will take you back to the last shoot of 2014....I was feeling so low. My thyroid was completely out of whack and I felt like I was stuck being an angry person all the time. I had no confidence to speak of and it showed in that shoot (at least to me it did). I couldn't sit still I was almost crying the whole time my makeup was getting done..my hair was having an "I refuse to work for you " day. I felt awkward in my skin shaky and dizzy and I could not for the life of me figure out how I should be posing. Everything in my life seemed to be falling apart.
      Because my photographer, Amanda, amazing she still managed to get some decent shots but even she noticed how off I was. I finally went to my doctor and told her I just couldn't continue on with the crazy ups and downs that my thyroid seemed to be throwing at me every month..It was like being on a roller coaster for ten years and nothing we were doing was helping control the problem. She seemed to finally hear me and we decided to change me to 2 different alternating doses of synthroid. This seems to be working well now! I began to feel like a person. a healthy and happy one... I found myself telling people how amazing I felt. It was the first time in 10 years that I felt hope for my future. Hope that I wasn't really the awful person I seemed to be because of all of my symptoms. I had truly began to think I was really just those symptoms and that I had nothing to offer anyone.
    I almost lost my husband. I knew that I was making him miserable and I couldn't control myself at all. Basically my thyroid problem almost destroyed everything good in my life including myself!!

So now you understand how low I was and we can move on to the happy!! So everyday I felt better and after a month I felt like gold! I booked another shoot with chick to chic photography. Right away during Amanda doing my makeup she mentioned the complete change in me . No more watering eyes , no more anger and sickness. My hair worked perfect for me that day and I decided to step out of my usual comfort zone.
    I had a pair of pasties sitting around and decided I wanted to wear them at this shoot! I felt comfortable in my skin. I had my confidence back!! I felt so very beautiful that day. And when I saw the results I couldn't get over the differences in me. I radiated confidence and self love.I swear I was almost glowing with my own joy!

Since then I found out some things that have destroyed that confidence again for me. I found out how truly close I came to loosing my husband. the love of my life.And now I am working hard to grasp those amazing feelings again but so far I am failing at it!
     I truly believe confidence is not something you just get and then its yours to keep and you never have to work at it again. It is a constant struggle. It is a choice you have to make to block out the bad thoughts that you are slowly killing yourself with and choose to focus on the good. So don't feel bad when you have a bad day just stop the thoughts in your head and choose to try to see the good. And if that should fail try to fake it till you make it! just saying I feel confident today even when you don't can help...after a few days telling yourself that you may just find it to be true!

   When I see these pictures though I remember that amazing feeling and how I am willing to work hard to get them back! I am going to choose to love me today! You do the same!!!

Note: My boobs are big! of course they are not always super perky :)

Credits : https://www.facebook.com/UrbanChicMUA

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chick-To-Chic-Alluring-Photography/177266219084671

Truth

      In our lives there are always moments of great joy and great sorrow. People will hurt you and help you. So is the roller coaster of our lives. And sometimes these things will ripple out to impact others both positively and negatively. And what you put out you get back. So when your helpful and nice ..good nice things will happen to you and if your hurtful and deceiving bad things will come your way. I try to remember this in my daily life.Even though I have been hurt and lied to and made to feel like less then I am, I still try not to take all that hurt and hand it back to the world. I hold that pain and instead throw out good vibes. helping and healing inside others where inside me is only hurt.
      Questions come up like where do we go  from here and can this ever be right again? I don't have the answers and its scary and stupid and I know I will get flack for trying to go on. So many people hurting now from the actions of 2 unhappy people who couldn't be honest. Their lies make my stomach turn and the results of them breaks my heart.
      A vow isn't something to be taken lightly. It is a promise. And once broken things can never fully be repaired. Trust is so hard to build and building it up the 2nd or third time is even more difficult. You might be able to glue a broken vase together again but you will always see the cracks and chips.
     So today remember that it is better to come straight out with the truth then it is to lie. The truth you tell today might hurt someone but the lies you tell today will hurt so many more! Be the change you want to see in this world! Truth and love to you all today <3