As we come into 2016 all I can think is thank god that this year is behind me!
While not everything this year had been completely horrible a huge portion of it was!But lets start with some of the good things that happened this year.
The best thing that happened this year was finally getting to go to Disneyland!!! It was so amazing and fun! I still cannot get over how clean it is there. It was also the first time I had ever been out of Canada. The trip was amazing and I will cherish it forever. My favorite ride was California screaming but seriously all the rides were so fun! And the food is all so amazing. My favorites were the corn dogs and the kebabs. If I ever get to go again though I will try to go when the main attractions like splash mountain are not closed for maintenance!
I did go on a few other small trips this year that were great. In may me and my husband did a road trip to Vancouver so he could see swollen members concert. We camped out in our new car and had a great time just being together. We also went to Edmonton to spend time with my family. More great camping in the car nights and lots of fun was had! It was so hard to go home though I just wanted to stay and be with my mom. It is hard to be so far from her and in a perfect world we would all live in the same town at least!
Then in June we found out I was pregnant. This should have been a very happy thing but it was not what we wanted and I struggled with it. The struggle was so bad I wasn't sure I would be able to go through it. My thyroid problems made me worried that my body wouldn't be able to handle a pregnancy and my marriage was really rocky throughout the whole year so I wasn't sure bringing a baby into a failing family would be a good option. In the end I decided to keep the baby and now I am 9 weeks away from giving birth to a beautiful baby girl! I am still full of fears but I find myself more on the excited side then I did for the first 5 months of my pregnancy.
The worst thing that happened to me this year by far happened January 22nd when I found out my husband had been having an affair since November 2014 with someone who I thought was a friend and was pretty much family. Most of this took place online as he works in camp but it did also get physical. I had never been more crushed in my whole life. I trusted him completely and when I found out I lost all my self confidence that I spent years building up. I still don't have it back almost a year later. It affected every single moment of my whole year. Doubt and hurt and self hate has filled me almost every second of every day this year.
We got a brand new car as soon as my husband got back from camp because I could not possibly be expected to sit in the car he slept around with her in, and that really affected our financial situation. Money is much tighter then it was when our car payments were half of what they are now which of course adds a bit of stress to an already stressful situation.
I am just now beginning to gain back a small amount of trust for my husband but I still cannot find the love for myself that I used to have. I still spend so much time wondering what he is doing when he is away in camp and that alone is enough to drive one mad!
I still love my husband. And I understand that when he was looking somewhere else it was because I was not giving him what he needed. My thyroid problems made me pretty terrible to live with and I got so used to taking things out on him that I can see how it all began. I also know, after a year of fighting through the doubts that I am still not to blame for his actions and also that he didn't do what he did to hurt me but more to get what he needed which I believe was someone to tell him how great he was and to make him feel good about himself. It was not about the sex because during all that our sex life was still great.
I look forward to putting this terrible year behind me. We both work hard to have a better relationship and to have a complete family for our children to grow up in and I know that if he ever decided not to be with me that he will tell me straight up and not ever put me through all the secretive bullshit!
My hopes for 2016 are that we live a life of honesty, trust and love. That I have a healthy baby girl and that I get my own health under control. That we learn and grow together and that we are all happy. I want to get back into doing my photo shoots and regain my self confidence. I will leave the hurt the best I can in 2015 and move forward trying my best everyday to not dwell on the pain and to stop doubting. I know I may not always succeed but I also know I will do my very best.
If your year had been hard too I hope you can find some peace and move on to better things in 2016!
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